Hey, CFG! It was so much fun to see you in October. I had a
lot of fun talking with you about creative writing.
I thought it would be useful for me to share some revision examples I
created for you from examples of CFG 5th graders stories from last year, so that you can see the Oreo critiquing method in
action:
Here's the layers of the Oreo:
1. Be kind (top cookie layer)
2. Be truthful (yummy sweet stuff in between)
3. Be kind (bottom cookie layer)
Here's the layers of the Oreo:
1. Be kind (top cookie layer)
2. Be truthful (yummy sweet stuff in between)
3. Be kind (bottom cookie layer)
Remember, as we think about revision, we’re asking
ourselves:
1.
Does it have UNITY? Do all the pieces work together as one? Do the things that
appear in the beginning show up again later?
2.
Does it use good CAUSE AND EFFECT? This is related to unity. It’s when the things
that happen in the story happen because of other things that happened first, or
because of the personalities of the character. It’s the opposite of total
randomness.
3.
Does the story have LOGIC? Does it make sense? Are there confusing parts where the
reader just can’t tell what’s happening? Do the events of the story seem
believable, based on the rules of the world of the story, and the personalities
of the characters?
4.
Does it have WORDY, BORING, BLAH-BLAH-BLAH parts? How can we trim them?
Okay, now that our revision review is done, let’s go!
Here’s the first story, THE
BAKER AND THE KING, written by a mysterious and brilliant CFG.
Once upon a time there was a girl
name Evie and a boy named Carson. Carson was the son of the king and Evie was
the daughter of a baker in the village. One day Carson came into town for some
bread,” I would like five loaves of bread please.” “Of course your highness.”
Evie grabbed five loaves of bread. She rolled her eyes and said rudely “have a
nice day prince Carson thanks for choosing sweet treat bakery.”
She did not like the prince at all. She thinks he is spoiled because the kids in the village have to work for what they get and he did not. She wouldn’t of talked like that if her mom was there, she said she was at a meeting with the king. Carsons dad.
She did not like the prince at all. She thinks he is spoiled because the kids in the village have to work for what they get and he did not. She wouldn’t of talked like that if her mom was there, she said she was at a meeting with the king. Carsons dad.
“Hi pumpkin pie.” mom always found
a food theme nickname for me. “Hey! how was the meeting?”I said “Great but I
have somthing to tell you.” “Sure anything.” “I AM ENGAGED TO THE KING.” “no no
no this can’t be.” Evie said in whisper “Honey this is great news we can move
into the biggest house in the kingdom.” “You will have a brother.” “I HATE
PRINCE CARSON HE’S THE MEANEST BOY IN SCHOOL.” How could mom do this my friends
will think i'm a snob. “Where you really going to a meeting all those times?”
“No.” mom sounded ashamed like a teenage boy getting caught after curfew. Snap
out of it evie no time for empathy. You need to find a way to fix it………..
Here’s What’s Working:
•
I love this story beginning! What a great scene.
•
We meet three characters, and get to know them
immediately.
•
It starts with a big problem (Evie hates Carson)
and then makes the problem ten times worse (Carson’s going to become her
brother!).
•
Tension between them hints at trouble & fun
to come.
•
It has romance, kindness, and likeable
characters.
More of What’s
Working: UNITY
•
Mom’s character has great unity. She’s a baker,
and she’s sweet, and she calls Evie by sweet treat names. “Pumpkin pie.” Makes
sense the king would fall in love with her!
•
A snobby prince makes sense. It’s logical.
•
Evie feeling stuck because Mom is remarrying
makes sense (don’t do it, Mom!), yet Mom seems so happy, Evie doesn’t have the
heart to object. Evie is torn. It’s a perfect dilemma.
More of What’s
Working: CAUSE AND EFFECT
•
Evie’s working alone in the store BECAUSE her
mom’s in a meeting with the king
•
Mom’s meetings are actually romantic dates!
BECAUSE they kept on meeting, they fell in love.
•
BECAUSE Mom just got engaged, she hurries home
to tell Evie the news.
•
Evie’s not happy BECAUSE she knows Carson and
she thinks he’s a snob.
What Helpful
Questions Can I Ask?
•
If Carson is so mean & spoiled, why does he
sound so nice?
–
“I would like five loaves of bread please.”
–
She did not like the prince at all. She thinks
he is spoiled.
–
“I HATE PRINCE CARSON HE’S THE MEANEST BOY IN
SCHOOL.”
•
Could Carson’s words sound more mean, spoiled?
•
Could he buy something more prince-ish than
bread?
•
This would give his character more unity.
•
Here’s what Evie says to Carson:
–
“Of course your highness.” She rolled her eyes
and said rudely “have a nice day prince Carson thanks for choosing sweet treat
bakery.”
•
What if her words (as well as her tone) showed
what she really thinks of Carson? (UNITY.) If they got mad at each other, that
would increase the tension.
Overall Comments:
•
I can’t wait to find out what problems emerge as
their parents’ marriage approaches, and Carson and Evie are forced to interact
more.
•
What will Evie’s life be like when she moves
into the palace? It’ll be interesting!
•
Dying to find out – will Evie and Carson remain
enemies? Or will they find a way to be friends?
•
Will new problems emerge for their family or the
kingdom?
LOVE IT!!
Now, onto our next example, also written by a mysterious and
imaginative CFG: DRAGONS!
one day a dragon was hanging out with his friend christian
they were terrorizing a village.”
AHHHH’’ cried the villagers.’’christian I think its time for lunch’’ the
two dragons grabbed a handful of villagers. EEEEKKKK!!!!!! cried the
villagers. the two dragons flew away laughing, then headed toward the extremely
boring cave. stretch!!!! dragon hunters!!! i immediately shot fire waves at
them GRRRRRRAAAAA!!! i saw four hunters burned to death while the rest
retreated to the woods. then whooshhhh!!! a flame net just missed me. i very
quickly full speed shot for the cave four hunters shot more flame nets at me. i
thought i was safe until a dart hit me. i blanked out quickly and woke up with
a hunter on me GRRRRRRAAAAA!!! i struggled what was i going to do?
What’s Great About
This Piece:
•
It’s hilarious. “AHHHH’’ cried the villagers.
“EEEEEK!”
•
Has character, friend, problems, enemies,
danger.
•
People get eaten with live-action sounds!
•
Has dragons!
•
Lots of reversals: I win. No, they win. No, I
win. No …
•
Has a cliffhanger ending. Leaves us curious for
more.
•
Dragons eating villagers, hunters chasing
dragons – it all makes sense. Great unity, great logic.
What Helpful
Questions Can I Ask?
•
I had a point of confusion about who was
talking.
–
In other words, POINT OF VIEW.
I’ll show you what I mean: BLUE
is third person, and RED is first
person. It’s a little confusing when the story shifts from third to first.
one day
a dragon was hanging out with his friend christian they were terrorizing a village.” AHHHH’’ cried the
villagers.’’christian I think its time for lunch’’ the two dragons grabbed
a handful of villagers. EEEEKKKK!!!!!! cried the villagers. the two
dragons flew away laughing, then headed toward the extremely boring cave.
stretch!!!! dragon hunters!!!
i
immediately shot fire waves at them GRRRRRRAAAAA!!! i saw four hunters burned
to death while the rest retreated to the woods. then whooshhhh!!! a flame net
just missed me. i very quickly full speed shot for the cave four hunters shot
more flame nets at me. i thought i was safe until a dart hit me. i blanked out
quickly and woke up with a hunter on me GRRRRRRAAAAA!!! i struggled what was i
going to do?
Overall Comments:
•
I love this piece.
•
It’s written with confidence & playfulness.
The narrative voice is strong.
•
I want to know more about how the dragons and
the villagers co-exist. How should we, the readers, view the humans? As snacks
for our pals, the dragons? Or will we sympathize with them more? Either way is
fine with me.
•
What will happen next? Dying to know.
•
LOVE IT!!
Here’s another one. I’ll call it PERTY AT THE POOL, also written by a super-stealthy and talented
CFG.
Splash! “Hey!” I yelled. “What were
you thinking??!! My little brother scurried away from me , holding my brand new
water gun! I sighed. “mom! Get perty out of here! “well,” she answered, “maybe
you should get in the pool with him, then! Im sure He’d love that! “I was at my
private swimming pool, and I did NOT want to ruin my suntan! Oh well. I guess
if I wanted to get the new iPhone345678+, I should be nice. I shouted to my
brother, “ wait up! I need to get in the pool with you !” i ran up to Perty and
grinned at him. But then something strange happened. As soon as I touched him,
“pop!” he disappeared!
What’s Great About
This Piece?
·
I love
the name “Perty!”
·
I love how this piece starts right in with
conflict. “Splash! ‘Hey!’” We know there’s trouble, and we’re only two words
in. Fantastic!
·
Immediately we’ve introduced an enemy (Perty)
and an important tool (the brand-new water gun). Mom quickly becomes another
enemy, of sorts. She requires the main character to interact with Perty even
when she/he doesn’t want to.
·
I love the futuristic world, and the main
character’s evident state of luxury: she/he has a private swimming pool. Their
own personal pool, kind of like a Pizza Hut Personal Pan Pizza. And they’re
hoping to get an iPhone345678+. Clever and funny.
·
The story is only 121 words long, yet by the
end, we’ve gone from surface level problems (annoying little brother issues) to
serious, mysterious, supernatural, terrifying problems. Perty popped! He popped
right out of the scene. Where’d he go? Another dimension? Invisibility?
Disintegration? Time travel? Magic? We need to know! Way to waste no time in
getting right into a serious problem, a frightening and puzzling conflict. It
creates suspense. I must keep reading to find out what happens next. And that’s
how you want your reader to feel.
What Helpful
Questions Can I Ask?
·
I really only have one. WHAT HAPPENS NEXT???
Pretty please, tell me! Keep on writing!
·
I guess I have one other small one. I wish I
knew a little more about the main character. Age? Boy or girl? Slipping a name
in would help. But I’m willing to wait, as long as the reveal comes pretty
soon.
Overall Comments:
·
I love this piece. It’s got humor, it’s got
drama, it’s got characters who pop out immediately (Pesky Perty, I am looking
at you!), and it leaves the reader dying to know more. This story is doing
everything a story should do, and wasting no time about it. Just keep going.
·
Love it!
Last example. I’ll call it MONSIA AND THE DUMPSTER MONSTER. This one is by a CFG Superstar.
“Monsia woke to the pounding rain
banging on the lids of her dumpster. The train whistle roared in her ear. She
roused, still a tad tired from the last night’s hunt for food. “Mrowr!” “Lucky,
shush! Can’t I get some decent sleep?” Evil cat, she thought. Don’t you
understand what sleep means?
Suddenly she understood what her cat meant. Her dumpster was shaking and she fell over. She looked around. Everything was disordered. Jinks, her other cat was cowering beneath the blanket. Suddenly the lids of the dumpster were ripped open to reveal a ghastly looking creature. It’s claws were long and curved and it had long hideous fangs. It opened it’s mouth wide. “Lilac, where are you!” Monsia screamed. Monsia’s third cat snuck out from beneath the heap of blankets, plastic and clothes. She hissed bravely. “Lilac, no!” Monsia shrieked. But it was too late. The monster bared it’s teeth and swallowed the poor, brave cat right up. That’s when everything slowly disappeared.!”
Suddenly she understood what her cat meant. Her dumpster was shaking and she fell over. She looked around. Everything was disordered. Jinks, her other cat was cowering beneath the blanket. Suddenly the lids of the dumpster were ripped open to reveal a ghastly looking creature. It’s claws were long and curved and it had long hideous fangs. It opened it’s mouth wide. “Lilac, where are you!” Monsia screamed. Monsia’s third cat snuck out from beneath the heap of blankets, plastic and clothes. She hissed bravely. “Lilac, no!” Monsia shrieked. But it was too late. The monster bared it’s teeth and swallowed the poor, brave cat right up. That’s when everything slowly disappeared.!”
What’s Great About
This Piece:
·
Just as with Perty
at the Pool, Monsia and the Dumpster
Monster begins with a bang of trouble. It comes knocking right on the
dumpster door. Love that!
·
“Banging on the lids of her dumpster,” which
makes me immediately interested and curious. Monsia lives in a dumpster? Why? Is she human, or
something else? At first I thought she might be a rat. I’m still not certain,
but that’s okay. I know I’ll find out soon.
·
Monsia has cats. Three cats who live with her in
her dumpster. The fact that it’s HER dumpster, and her pets live there too,
makes it sound like she’s been there a while. This is really excellent writing,
to convey so much information and leave me curious for so much more, with so
few words. Well done! It has great UNITY, too. If our main character has no
home, and no friends, it makes sense that the stray cats who become her pets
would feel like her friends. It fits.
·
In no time at all, we cut right to the chase: we
introduce a vicious monster! A monster that ate poor, sweet Lilac, the kitty!
It’s an ENEMY. A truly fearsome one. Bravo! Waste no time in getting to the
serious problem. I tell you all the time to make your characters suffer. Maybe
what I should stress is, “Start making them suffer IMMEDIATELY!” And that’s one
thing this story is doing superbly well.
What Helpful
Questions Can I Ask?
·
As I mentioned, I do wonder what kind of
creature Monsia is. Human? I’m not sure. I hope you can let us know soon.
·
I’m not sure if the dumpster monster is a) a
real monster, or b) the garbage truck that dumpsters get dumped into. (Ever
seen those trucks at work? They lift the dumpster up and hold it upside down.)
This is related to my first question. If Monsia is a human, then I think the
dumpster monster is a real monster, because Monsia the Human would understand
the difference between a garbage truck and a monster. But if Monsia is a cat, a
rat, an otter, or a bald eagle, then she might confuse the big angry-looking machine
with a monster.
·
One thing I’ll be wondering about as the story
continues: were Monsia’s dumpster, and her kitty, Lilac, targeted on purpose?
Ie, is the monster out to get them for a specific reason? Or was it just a
random case of kitty-cat snacking going on? I’m not saying the first paragraph
should have answered that question. But it is something I’m wondering about
already.
Overall Comments:
·
This is such an original idea. I love how it’s
written. This writer has great storytelling instincts.
·
I love that this story doesn’t hesitate to
plunge the main character into real sadness and danger right away.
·
I also love that Monsia, before the monster ever
struck, had another kind of problem. She lives in a dumpster. It makes me feel
sad for her, which makes me hope that better things will come her way. It’s so
important to help your readers come to care for your characters.
·
Love it!
I hope you’ll finish this piece!
There you go, CFG. I’ve shown you using four stories that
YOU wrote, how to give Oreo feedback. Praise,
Questions, Praise. Be Kind, Be Honest, Be Kind. There’s so much to love in
each of your stories. Writers need to understand what IS working even more than
they need to be told what isn’t. I mean that. When I get letters from my
editors, I spend most of my time thinking about the things they said they
loved. It fills me with the happiness and the confidence I need in order to
tackle the problems.
Go revise your stories, and help others see how they can
revise theirs, in the kindest and most encouraging way. See you soon!
